Why am I doing this?

As of today, my motivation levels are pretty high.  But, it's day 2, so that's not saying much!  I know that there will be times when I feel like quitting (yet again) or slipping (which always leads to a free fall) so maybe if I come up with some reasons why I am determined to succeed this time then I can stick to the course.

 So, here is my "Why I Would Like to No Longer Be Fat" list:

1. I don't like the way I look.  Sure, this is superficial, and it's not the most important reason for losing weight, but it is a huge one for me.  I have spent my entire life (that I have memory of, anyway) disliking my appearance.  Elementary school, middle school, high school, college, wedding day, honeymoon, job interviews, first baby, moving across the country, second baby, vacations, everything I have ever done in life was done with me being unhappy with how I look.  Every photo I have was taken with me sucking in, angling my face, hiding behind others, or cringing inside knowing it was going to look awful.  On my honeymoon I was so anxious for the first several days until my photographer posted the proofs.  I just knew I was going to look huge in my wedding photos and I have never wanted to look as good on any day as much as my wedding day.  Here is a visual motivator for me.  Introducing, the Fat Collage:

Obviously, these are photos taken by other people and (unfortunately) posted on facebook!  My goodness, do I even need any more motivation?  I dream of a day where a candid photo of me doesn't make me want to crawl into a big hole somewhere.

2.  I am too young to feel this old.  I'm only 27 years old.  While it's the oldest I've ever been, I know that it's still super young.  So, at 27 I shouldn't be winded when I walk up a flight of stairs.  Well, winded is generous.  More like exhausted. At 27, I shouldn't have to rotate throughout the night because my hips are aching.  At 27, I should be able to spend an entire day out and about without needing a week to recover from the exertion.  At 27, I should feel YOUNG. I am making a promise to myself right here, right now.  I will be a young 28 year old! 

3.  Diabetes.  It runs heavily in my family.  Really, need I say more?  I would like to keep all of my appendages, thank you very much.

4.  I want to be able to dress like other people.  When it's hot outside, I want to wear a sleeveless shirt and shorts without  having an anxiety attack about the amount of skin that is showing.  When I go shopping, I don't want to have to leave everyone else and find the "women's" section (always right by the maternity clothes, what's up with that?!) which offers very little variety or style.  I want to be able to follow fashion trends like wearing boots over my jeans.  Oh, the saga of the boots!  They do not make boots for women in my size.  Even at Lane freaking Bryant my legs are too fat for their boots.  I just want some boots!  Rant over.

5.  I want to be a good example to my children.  This is actually a number one reason, but it's the most recent one, so I put it last.  I didn't realize before I had kids how strong my desire to do everything right would be.  I want to be the absolute best mom I can be, and I know, I know, I KNOW that being obese is not the best for them.  I get tired easily, I make junk food that they inevitably share, I am lazy and therefore they don't get as much exercise as they should, and I am teaching them by example that it's ok to have a major problem in your life, one that affects every area negatively, and not do anything about it because it's too "hard".

So, that's my list.  It's not really complete, though.  I could list a MILLION reasons why I no longer want to be fat.  Basically life.  Life is why I don't want to weigh this much anymore.  I want to live it better, enjoy it more, and pass it on.  And if you are reading this, future unmotivated self, DO NOT GIVE UP!  It is too important, and you want it too badly to stop now!  Dust yourself off and go for a walk.  Put down the junk food and take an apple with you.  Then add some more things to this list and re-motivate yourself.  You can do it!

Day 1

Wow, that title sounds ominous.  Day 1 out of how many days? Weeks? Months?  I won't go any farther because my poor mind cannot handle the thought of YEARS.  I haven't told a single person that I am starting this journey.  Why?  Because it will be the millionth (or is it billionth?) time I've made this goal.  And I have never been successful. Ever.  Never ever in 27 years have I lost more than 20 pounds and kept it off for any length of time.  Even that would be an accomplishment, though I hope to lose much more than 20 pounds! 

So, if I am setting out yet again, what can I do to ensure this time is different?  Honestly, I have no clue.  One of the things I tell myself over and over again is that I can only fail if I give up, so I refuse to quit.  Eventually it has to work, right?  If I keep trying, keep adjusting, keep getting back up, then eventually I will have a success story.  Or so I hope.

I have read so many articles, books, and blogs about how to lose weight.  Seriously, I am considered obese, yet I could probably write a weight loss book with all the facts I have floating around in my head.  BMR, BMI, calories in vs. calories out, cardio vs. strength training, low carb vs. low-fat, paleo diets, South Beach diet, vegan, gluten free, on and on goes the vast amount of ultimately USELESS knowledge I have.  And none of it has ever helped me lose anything!

Why?  Because of me.  I am so flawed, so frustrating, so fickle in my efforts and therefore I have nothing to show for the hundreds of hours I have spent studying this very subject.  There can be nothing more discouraging on this earth than our human nature.  It refuses to cooperate, and I have yet to develop the strength the override it.

Well, I am done.  I am done being a slave to my appetite.  I am done being a slave to my laziness.  I am done being content to be discontent, being satisfied in my dissatisfaction.  Something has got to change, and I know that something is ME.  I am letting go of the things that are behind me and pressing onward to my goal. 

No longer will I view myself as a failure, as the girl who has hated her reflection for almost 3 decades yet has never changed it.  I am starting fresh and viewing myself and a work in progress, as a girl who is determined to never give up, as a success-in-the-making!  I will overcome this.  Period.  I will learn how to eat without gorging myself, incorporate fitness into my every day life, cook without extra calories, indulge without binging, and how to pass everything I learn, everything I gain. along to my children so they never have to face a day like today- a Day 1.